Bottle Service is Retarded

December 14th, 2007

We were out last night for my fiancee’s friend’s 30th birthday and got a table at Speakeasy. Speakeasy’s not really a “fancy” bar…it’s the type of place that has 80’s cover bands, which they had that night. I don’t remember the band’s name, but they rawcked. They all had awesome 80’s hair, and the guitarist looked exactly like Stephen Adler from GnR.

Anyways, I’ve noticed this before, but I really noticed last night that bottle service makes tons of sense if you don’t know how to do simple math. There were around 8 of us, and a couple of people wanted to order a bottle. I made it very clear that I prefer to drink what I want, and like having a bartender mix my drinks. Here’s what went on in my head:

1 Bottle of Grey Goose via bottle service = $275
There are 22 drinks in a bottle (at 1.5 oz pours)
$275/22 = just over $13/drink
The bar sells a grey goose drink for $7

Smart people who buy bottle service pay just under twice what the drinks would typically cost. Actually, they pay more than that because the bartenders will typically pour a 2 oz drink if you’re nice to them. So, bottle service makes lots of sense under the following scenarios:

You get pleasure out of wasting money.
You want others to think that you have so much money that you don’t pay attention to what you buy.
You need a tax write off (not very efficient, though, b/c you can only write off 50% of entertainment expenses – you’re better off buying a new computer and throwing it out the window immediately.)
You’re overwhelmed by decisions and don’t want options.
You REALLY like making your own drinks.
The ONLY way you’ll get a table is to buy a bottle, and you REALLY want a table (think Vegas.)

I’m not adamantly against bottle service in all situations. #6 is really the only scenario that would apply to me, and probably only a couple of times in my life. I guess if you really want to celebrate something, and you hate champagne and shots, bottle service could also make sense. I guess.